The Procession to Calvary Review: A Bonafide Classic

Story:

The female warrior Bellona (painted by Rembrandt) is bummed-out because the holy war has come to an end and the new leader, Immortal John, has ruled that there should be no more killing - Bellona's favorite thing to do. However, the previous tyrant, Heavenly Peter, has escaped, giving Bellona one last chance to commit (legal) murder by claiming his head.

Every character, object, and background has been taken from real-life Renaissance paintings and given simple animations to create a very unique 'cut-out' visual presentation. These paintings often feature absurd imagery, such as lap-dog sized pet lions, two fully nude men 'wrestling' by the beach, or people holding freakishly oversized keys. The imagery is not only interesting, but blends well with the story's dry humor written in the comedy style of Monty Python. The music is all classical stuff as well, played on screen by musicians hidden in every background. Bellona can even sing along or applaud the artist's work.

The game isn't afraid to poke fun at the individual's who donated the largest sums of money to fund its creation.

Gameplay:

The Procession to Calvary is a point-and-click adventure game where you must help (or hinder) NPCs by solving puzzles - often in absurd ways - to get within arms reach of Heavenly Peter. A lady needs a new wagon wheel? Why not just borrow one of the breaking wheels? The nobles won't let you take their trinkets? Gas them with a skunk. None of the puzzles are difficult to solve, although some of the more unorthodox ones required a bit of trial and error. Of course, there is nothing stopping you from skipping most of the puzzles by simply killing everyone who gets in your way. This will lock you into the "bad" ending, but I like that it was included at all as an option. Beside killing people, you can use your sword for non-lethal things, such as cutting rope used to tether a boat.

Most things have the options to interact, examine, or speak.

Conclusion:

This is a short game at roughly 3 hours long, but I love the unorthodox presentation and cartoonish absurdity of Renaissance paintings brought to life in the comedy style of Monty Python. It sets out to do something very specific, does it well, and doesn't overstay its welcome.

For collectors, a limited run of 1,500 to 2,800 (depending on the platform) copies were produced by Red Art Games; which have since sold out. As of this posting, sealed copies remain affordable with an average retail price of $50.

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